scared sleepless

I absolutely hate being scared. My beaux and I have been over this. I occasionally have panic attacks and being scared can set one off. I hate that feeling of not being able to breathe. So I'm in the shower tonight waiting for him to join me when next thing I know I'm pulling the shower curtain back and hitting hit repeatedly with my soapy shower poofy thingy. Once I got my breathing back to normal I just cried. I hit him. Now I feel like a complete jerk. I hate that! Why am I the jerk? Now I'm sleeping on the couch....yay for my crappy sleep. I should go apologize. But what if he's just cold and aloof about it. Then I will get even angrier with him. Cause this whole thing is his fault to begin with! Ugh.

me Jane?

How do I say that it's painful you have no idea what to get me for Valentine's day? Or my birthday? I want to not have to tell you. I'm always thinking how does a man perceive life differently? I think that a lot of the problem relationships have is the different ways men and women understand life and everything else. How does this correlate. Because it really hurts that I know what to get him. I see things that are cute that I know would make him smile. I'm a woman. We are nurturers by nature. Men are providers. So by that logic should I be heartbroken that he has no clue? Because as a woman I understand that to mean you have no idea who I really am. Should I chalk it up to the fact that my honey do list gets done and he drives cause I hate to and all that  inane monotony as him seeing that he provides so Tarzan job accomplished? Honestly this whole thing about him getting me a gift had me feeling ugly and undesirable.