scared sleepless

I absolutely hate being scared. My beaux and I have been over this. I occasionally have panic attacks and being scared can set one off. I hate that feeling of not being able to breathe. So I'm in the shower tonight waiting for him to join me when next thing I know I'm pulling the shower curtain back and hitting hit repeatedly with my soapy shower poofy thingy. Once I got my breathing back to normal I just cried. I hit him. Now I feel like a complete jerk. I hate that! Why am I the jerk? Now I'm sleeping on the couch....yay for my crappy sleep. I should go apologize. But what if he's just cold and aloof about it. Then I will get even angrier with him. Cause this whole thing is his fault to begin with! Ugh.